Its been a long time since my last post.
Im writing here only to get evrything out of my chest.
I miss you, so much, every single day.
Yes im not cry myself to sleep every other night anymore.
But i still cry for this loss.
And pang of sadness i still feel.
Last Sunday morning I was crying still for you, for what we gad
And for evrything we did together.
I dont wanna text u anymore, cause well, my message is not welcomed anymore, judging from last time you only replied me with "I dont know"
Or maybe you already move on that fast from this failed relationship,
Or worse, you have somebody that you wanna make happy, and sadly thats not me anymore.

I still remember your beautiful hazel eyes, yes they r still beautiful for me.
I still remember your lean arms.
I still remember evry night we spent together and evry moment I wakeup and u were there.
Gosh, its so cliche.
But damn, tell me how am I supposed to live now?
If its not my career that kept me going, im pretty sure im gonna be that crazy ex girlfriend who will chase you to the end of the world.

Yes, im the one who ask for breakup,
But dont u think what u did those last weeks only to trigger me to say breakup?
Now im crying again, in the middle of the night cause its still damn hurt.
Gosh, what am I supposed to do now, G?? Whatt??
We havent seen each other for months, we broke up over a text, u also wouldnt bother to call to resolve things.
God, I just need some clear closure over this, but u never asked.
Am I supposed to be the one who ask for some closure again?
Nowdays the only pray I whispered to God, is to take this pain away.
How sometimes I also wished we never ever ever know each other, and u wont have this power to hurt my fucking mind.

Jess Glynne ft Emilie Sande - Saddest Vanilla

You're giving me right, you're giving me wrong

You're selling me something that I'll never own

You're giving me hope, you're leaving me cold

You're telling me nothing, I don't already know

You told me gamble, and told me we'd win

So I took all I had, and I put in to win

My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl

And I'm finally tasting alone

This is the saddest vanilla that I've ever tasted

The saddest vanilla and I don't wanna waste it

Sat at an ice cream parlour

You went and broke my heart yeah

Now I'm the saddest vanilla

You're giving me light, you're giving me dark

You told me the ending, right at the start

You're giving me something I shouldn't get used to

You're giving me blackout, you're giving me see-through

You tease me with heaven, you're giving me hell

You started running the moment I fell

My heart is here freezing

As my tears fill the bowl

And I'm finally tasting alone

This is the saddest vanilla that I've ever tasted

The saddest vanilla but I don't wanna waste it

Sat at an ice cream parlour

You went and broke my heart, yeah

Now I'm the saddest vanilla

Silly me, Silly we

I thought you could be gentle

Wrap it down, 'round and 'round

You're fucking with my mental

I used to love the taste of it

Until you went and poisoned it

And now

This is the saddest vanilla that I've ever tasted

The saddest vanilla but I don't wanna waste it

Sat at an ice cream parlour

You went and broke my heart yeah

Now I'm the saddest vanilla

Saddest vanilla

This is the saddest vanilla that I've ever tasted

The saddest vanilla but I don't wanna waste it

Sat at an ice cream parlour

You went and broke my heart yeah

Now I'm the saddest vanilla

.

.

.

Once you said "I'll try to be quiet, you just lie there and bobo"

But damn, I hate sleeping time now..

People will judge you anyway..
Yes.
And you of course will always judge people.
The only thing I hate the most is being judged as materialistic girl.
Just because my love towards good (and damn expensive) shits.
I mean, cmon. I am a girl who grow up looking at Elle, Bazaar and other fashion magazines.
I still cannot buy those shits though, eventhough im on my way to work for it..
I bust my ass work for something that some people said "temporary" or "useless".
Every people has their own opinion, and their own love for things..
Some might love spending money for culinary experiences, some might love spending it by getting drunk from black label, while some might like spending it on luxury branded goodies..
But why, just because you love branded stuffs people will label u as materialistic??
How about those people who loves travelling abroad, or loves fancy dining/cafeing??
Do you still call them materialistic as well..
From what I see on the internet for what materialistic means, the outcome is never a good thing..
Its like portraying yourself as one dumb bitch who doesnt care about anything other than expensive looks with expensive shits.
When in fact, you just love and appreciate good stuffs more than common people.
People said whats the use of those stuffs?? You just wanna brag to other people that you can afford those stuffs??
The answer from me is NO..
Like makeup i put on almost every single day.
I makeup for myself.
It makes me feel great, more.
I do it, just because I love it, and I want to impress only me and myself.
Why? I cannot feel good about myself??
Does it make me look like still I wanna impress other people??
Whats so wrong about wanting to look best of you and make yourself happy without doing any harms to other people?
But, do you know that you can feed maybe 1 small community with the price of 1 Prada bag??
Well, for me,  I still wanna good to people, and do charity for sure.
But Im not as noble as those who said that to my face.
And Im sure, when I can buy my ownself those expensive shits, that means I also more than enough to do charity and feed more than 1 small communities.
Life is weird (and stress) enough, its so much better when people mind their own business..
Its okay to judge, but you dont have to give comments, when nobody asks for it.
Judge all the way you want, just keep it in your pants.

Like Doesn't Mean You Love

I believe it's been a long time since I post anything in here.
Good news are I graduated my degree already! YAY!!
and I already have a job!! another YAY!!
My job now as a content writer in the new travelling e-commerce company..
Even my writing portion as not as much as my senior here, but I'm feeling kinda happy..
I do what I love, which is writing, and get paid.
Even the salary is not that high. But hey, I'm design graduate and not a wordsmith..
Kinda happy too because my working environment is a healthy one.
I have many role models here.
As all my senior writers are seriously great in English and in their writing.
No kidding, all of them were study abroad.
Hahahaha
Aside from my lack of confidence in office, sometimes I really don't know what I love..
I love too many things you know.
Then one day I watch some TV program when this man, a famous author of "Your Job Is Not Your Career" showed up.
And he simply told us how to know that one thing is your passion and the other is just a hobby..
I thought all this time I always know the difference.
Apparently, not.
Yes, passion is something you do, even you don't get paid.
But, the difference is like this, it is your hobby if you do it in you spare time, and when you get a little bit boring with your passion. It's just basically like a refreshment.
When your hobby facing challenge, you nope out of there and just go away.
While your passion is something you love to do, and when you find difficulties, instead of going away, you face those obstacles, and keep moving on. In the end, you got rewarded by better skill.
There I have it.
For now, I'm pretty sure writing is my passion.
Because, believe me, there are many things in my head running all around in daily basis.
I'm curious about many things in this world.
Silly I know.. But this is me.
I feel if I can't express those questions, I better just write it down.
Write them all down make me happy.. Make me feel better.

Oh, and because now I'm working in a field that is a little bit different with my education background, now if I met new people and told them my degree, they will question me same thing, like "Oh, you are design graduate, so you're working in design agency? Oh no? Why?"
The question from me -in my head and my mind- would be WHY NOT?
There is nothing wrong to work in a different field from your degree.
As long as you love it, doing no harm to other people and you can pay the bills right?
I like design, I really do. But as much as I like it, I don't love it. 
Not like writing. I love words, learning new phrases, new words, and even I love thesaurus. 
Don't get me wrong, but learning new vocab every single day is fun for me.
Another thing I love is communicating and presenting ideas to people.
That's why I'm thinking having a master scholarship in communication or PR major.
Why not design?? Again, I don't love it, and master in design for what job actually??
I dont have any visions to become a design lecturer in future.
And really I dont have any visions to work in design field..
But my life still related to design btw, as I'm working as a freelance designer.
Freelance, not main job.
Nice income.
My life is pretty good now, as I have my passion as my main job, and my hobby as my side job.
Best of both world.
So, people, if you want to work in bank after you graduate from your design school, do it!
If you want to work in fashion world after you graduate from law school, just fucking do it!
Nothing worse if you have to work in something you don't love, simply just because your degree doesn't related.
Could you imagine yourself stuck behind those piles of work and you just kinda like it??
It's gonna be a joke, IMHO.
So, yeah, find something you love, you passionate, find the way to apply on that, and enjoy your job -even sometimes you dislike it, it's life after all- !

3.35 am and i am thinking i should write a book based on my curiosity about world..
such as sex, clubbing, gay club, sugar daddy sugar baby stuffs, money, friends. until politics maybe, and i don't know what else..
hahahahha
there are so many stuffs always running through my head in daily basis.
i guess i always asking too many questions..
unimportant questions i know..
but, doing some research and jump into the field to experience by myself are something exciting for me..
yeah, i think i should start typing it by tomorrow..
well, if i still have desire to do it..

Why Indonesia Can't Moving Forward

As I sit here and read news in the internet about Jakarta..
Jakarta is the capital city of Indonesia..
Indonesia, of course is a country that has the biggest amount of Moslems..
But, as we all know, Indonesia is a country that respects and professes other religions too..
As my mind wander years ago when i was a kid, mostly Indonesian people couldn't respect on 2 things, religion and race..
When i was around 7 years old, i still remember many Chinese and Christians be colonized and chased by the local Indonesians..
It was in the 1990s..
And here we are in 2000 century, some of that idiot, close-minded, smarty pants people are still exist..
On the news that I read, 1 organization, FPI, Islamic protesters..
They furiously rejected Ahok as the new governor of Jakarta..
Because on 1, well maybe 2 reasons..
1. Because Ahok is a chinese descent..
2. Because Ahok is not a moslem..
WHAT THE FUCK, yes I know.. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!
Why a Chinese descent cant be a governor of the capital city??
There is no law in Indonesia forbids that..
And second, why furiously rejected him because of his religion..
Again, no Indonesian law forbids that..
When we look back again, hundred years ago, based on Indonesian history itself,
you can look, there are no any notes in history saying Chinese come to Indonesia and try to take over this country..
But, you can look in the history, since years ago which country try to rule Indonesia?? which country??
England, Portuguese, Netherlands, Japan, Spain.. but not CHINA!!!
What the shit!!!!!!!
Here is Ahok, just a Chinese descent.. He is not a CHINESE.. He is Indo-Chinese.. He is Indonesian citizen..
And furthermore if you can look at the news they said Ahok is the enemy of Islam..
What did he do so he can be labelled as an enemy???
He did so many good things rather than "same Moslem" did to this country..
Oh, yeah.. Many corruptors in this country are Moslem..
And, NO, I don't accuse Moslems are corruptors' religion..
I believe many open-minded, and educated Moslems are ashamed of this organization called FPI too..
They always said what they did for this years are for the goodness of Moslems..
Yet here they are, doing some anarchy, and violence, and chaos..
FPI was trying to make their own constitutional and try to inaugurate their own version of Jakarta governor..
What a shame.. They protest something useless, as it's not going to be approved by Indonesian law..
If they try to make their own constitutional, why they don't take their asses out of Indonesia..
Maybe some people of FPI, not some, but ALL, can be deported to the end of the world and just let them do all the stupidity of their own, and maybe just DIE..
Another thing that this bunch of idiots trying to do was, protest for the price of the fuel..
Indonesia for many years was crazy..
Because Indonesia is the one and only country that known for their generosity providing the allowance in fuel field..
I think some Indonesians are spoil brats who can't think smarter and wont stand on both of their feet..
They protest on the reasonable price of the fuel, but they still wont protest if the cigars' price is rising..
So, yeah.. mostly people in my country sometimes are pain in the ass..
But talking about FPI,.. emm they ALWAYS be a FUCKING PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS!!

Indonesia, in my opinion, can't or maybe can but really hard, to moving forward if the governments can't solved this FPI as the problem of the country..
They did so many chaos and inappropriate demonstrations..
They break the law of Pancasila and Indonesian's law itself..
Still here they are, they still exist in Indonesia..
Why government cant take some serious actions towards this people???
Do something!!!
But, yeah, again, governments in Indonesia are mostly a bunch of rats who are afraid to do justice and only care for their own business, such as corruption.. As many amount of money as you can, just take..

I do love my country, but when I see something like this.. I feel ashamed of it..
Other people outside Indonesia just know Indonesia for 2 things..
1. Bali..
2. Terrorist..
So, yeah..
If we wanna see something change in Indonesia, I suggest Indonesian people do some serious actions towards the governments to eliminate FPI and please, don't be racist anymore to the minority lahh..

Mom...

Somehow, when you trying make your own path, 

but on the other hand you are looking still for your parents' agreements, well mother's agreement for specifically..

Somehow too, from what you told her, she already knows what's best for you..

Just a tiny bit story, and she already knows the point of you telling the story..

Looking for agreement..

Then, out of nowhere, she spilled it out..